Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my kitchen in London with Ben Norris.

I thought I might throw out the, um, Rhod-o-vision Song Contest. It's a feature which, uh ... was very very successful ... / Huh huh. / ... on this show a few weeks ago ... the Rhod-o-vision Song Contest. Somebody ... I can't remember who it was ... some bloke suggested it as a feature, and I poo-pooed it, and then, uh, I thought "Hang on a minute, it's a good feature." And I did it. And I think __ __ the most successful feature we've ever had since g__ tape. Uh ... so, I thought __ do it again / Rhod-o-vision Song Contest / suggestion of a song / choose a band / represent you / send us your suggestion / of a song / choose a winner and play it. How about that? / wouldn't it be nicer __ you __ just stick the word "Rhod" on front of another word / just sounds like it was meant to be / Yeah yeah, I didn't do that. The guy who suggested the feature in the first place suggested __ __ came up with / little gem / brilliant / waste __ time trying at home. Don't bo ... don't bother. / Put a Rho ... Rhodle on / you mean / kettle / put __ __tle on / No, it doesn't work. ... how __ you find __ doing the show in my kitchen? / I ... I think it's so weirdly relaxing 'cause it just looks like ... you know, ... / despite the fact that it looks like a bomb __ __ kitchen / I was gonna say, "looks like __ bloke __ on his own / it does / it's not / if I lived / a lot cleaner than this, actually. / Oh, really? / That's the irony, yeah. I've got my ... I've got my wife here, I've got a dog, who is standing there watching the show at the moment __ __ very well behaved. ... We've got ... uh ... we've got various other people dotted around / staying here / one of them / track coming up on the show later. / Wow / Yes. __ __ is here, who / from T__ __ / from T__ __ / she ... she is T__ __ / that was the dog, by the way, not N__ B__ / 今のはローラ・ブライアンではありません。今のは犬です。 / just so / know / radio / hard to tell who's talking, but that bark in the background, uh, was ... was our dog, who__ __ ... I'm just a bit worried / she / sometimes she / the show / there we are. You see? / it's very ... I just think it's brilliant that you're allowed to have a dog on the radio. / Yeah. There's not much I can do about it. I've got a dog, and the radio show is in my kitchen. / I know. But you ... / you know ... __ you don't see news readers going, um, um, today's news might be slightly interrupted by this rather frisky j__ __ / Election coverage would have been better if __ had had his c__ under his desk. ... You know what I mean? ... And now then, __ __ light-hearted gambol through the newspapers / I promise__ people / Ben Norris / what have we ... what have we / in front of you / just been handed / found / near __ dog. / Oh. / Huh. /... What have you got? / This is "Dear Rhod, I believe I __ saw you outside the ITV studio in London, having a fag back in 2008." / Well, that's, uh ... that's worth writing in about ... __ the front page / Was it you, Rhod?" ... was it? / Uh ... / That's from J__ / do you know what, J__ ? I find it really hard to say whether / if I say yes / might / someone else. / It's true. You can__ ... you can never know. / If I deny it, vehemently ... / I / I think / air balloon / Oh, yeah / that wasn't me / mind you, I / said / the show before / so memorable / unreliable / uh ... it could be __ I did use to smoke. __ __ __ could be / outside / ITV studio / quite possibly, um ... / Do you __ now? __ you __ing? / no no / I w__ out seven days a week / yeah / look / I don't do anything whatsoever. ... But I don't smoke. That's __ crucial, important difference in my life. Don't smoke, kids, __ __ / that / it makes your mouth click / it makes your mouth click / now / it takes a few years to clear up. Uh ... "Hi Rhod, Listener #13 from Northampton here. Also from Northampton amazing B__ / Oh, yes / Huh. This is our first entry in the Rhod-o-vision / that's what they want / how about / play / dead / Listener 13 / first entry in our ... uh ... what / what / feature / called / Rhod-o-vision Song Contest. That's it. First ... uh ... / listener 13 / call / so, that's the first entry. ... I'll tell you what / they / thick and fast / Yes. / as we say / guys / Fatboy Slim's Praise You. If you don't have that, let me know. I can put __ on myself. Cheers, __ from B__." Uh ... / fair / that's a nice way to listen to radio / play what you like / turn it down / own music on / m__ the presenter / you know / I don't even / so busy thinking / Rhod-o-vision / ve already had two pieces of correspondence, which, at this early in the show, is remarkable. / That's good. / I didn't / you're quite right / if you don't have that, let me know / and I can put it on my / lisetn, this is Radio Wales, uh, __, __ __, honestly, you know, what we have in ... in the record box is, uh, is very limited. Fatboy Slim, Praise You ... I can tell you / on the show before, so we probably have got it, uh, somwhere in the system / you don't need to put / on / yourself / hear it twice. Who knows, it __ __ a good thing. ... "The dog is sounding good" ... uh ... says, uh, somebody ... James ... James in C__ / dog is sounding good / the dog is, now, uh, / anybody / nothing s__ at all. Uh ... "The dog is sounding / as for the band, uh, __ __ __ I'm a __ __ __ __ __ __ B__ last Monday __ __ __ __ __ another entry for the Rhod-o-vision Song Contest. Is any of those, uh, standing out as __ favorite so far, Ben Norris? / saying where / from / people's areas / __ __ __ __ isn't it? / Se__ / I think __ __ __ they're Scottish / I think they're Scottish / I think / Hang on. So, that's not an entry / Rhod-o-vision Song Contest / well / might have misunderstood it / sorry / at 3 o'clock this morning, we were ... we were eating ... uh ... spaghetti Bolognaise __ oven chips / less on the board / s__ B__ and oven chips / Yeah. / ... That's a lot of / know / I should clariry / s__ b__ sauce / Oh. / ... with oven chips / tell you how they were served / morning / how would you want / s__ B__ sauce / and oven chips / late snack ... how would you want those served? / Well, I __ ... I woudn't / sauce all over the ... the, um ... / Right. / probably / on the side / right / s__ / right / but I wouldn't want them s__d / nothing wrong with that / go / I went for ... well, I had a bowl of ... uh ... I'd a bowl of s__ B__ sauce ... just __ sauce, no pasta / right / OK / cook pasta / that ... I had it served ... well, __ was quite influencial in how / served / she came over to me / tipped / half / on top of / ... then walked off. / That's nice. / Yeah. it was ... it was all right. Do you know? It was ... it was fine. It was fine / it wasn't good to look at, but it was ... uh ... it worked. / people / pretty / do they? / __n't matter / tip / waste bin __ to __ mouth / hit and run / Uh ... "Morning, Rhod / this week's / pay more attention here because __ __, uh ... some people ... if you are entering Rhod-o-vision / Contest / can you please, uh, declare __ make it clear / you're entering / the band that you are nominating, please. Uh ... "Rhod, / in P__, you can adopt a lamppost for 20 pounds." ... what's this gotta do with anything? Uh ... / you / put your name on it / 街灯柱を 20 ポンドで養子にできます。 / I don't ... I don't think that's true. Have you ever heard anything like that? / I hope it's not true / why would you adopt / seen / pandas / yeah / you know, uh ... endangered leopards / yeah / children / need parenting / I / imagine / sad music / flickering bulb / 電灯がチカチカ点いたり消えたりすると、同情を惹くかも / down, isn't it? / look / full on / uh ... what else / what else have you got there? / Rhod-o-vision song contest / or if / other stuff in front of you / ... Not sure / connected / international army of podcast listners, catching up / travelling for work / __ __ international / nobody in Wales / carry on / Huh, that's nice / woman / Christmas tree / head / was really annoying. So, I was __ __ __ googling it / the only answer it came up with was "Carol". Pretty poor, Eh? / Yeah, somebody suggested "Carol". / long time ago now. We did have a thing / I think the ... uh ... / to finish __ joke / call / head / competion / for no reason whatsoever. / whole genre / wasn't it / people / names / that was the feature / name jokes was the feature / running / it was / as that person says, irritating.

This is for Rhod-o-vision Song Contest. Uh ... / Where are you ... where are you from ? / choose a band from there / so far, who / got / here / hit me with your __ stick __ __ __ __ __ presumably from, uh, __, / place in Wales / just / very good joke / ... Except he misunderstood the entire concept of ... / to his own ... / from here / to his own amusing needs / wouldn't it be / yeah. Uh ... I'm crossing that one out, Steve. / although / it is a good track, though. Um ... Rhod-o-vision entry. / Inspiral Carpets / from / This Is How It Feels / good, innit? / this is / yeah / bearing in mind ... bearing in mind, so far, / in your head, is / is dead / bearing in mind there's absolutely no chance that BBC Radio Wales have that. / Do you not think? / Absolutely no chance. / couldn't they / vynil collector__ shop / 78 copies of / mechanics / and now 42. ... So, let's go / put that / in the lead / so, uh, just / bear in mind / Rhod / now that / obviously / we will have / hard to beat / at the moment, I'm going for ... / teenage / hard to beat / yeah / uh / good choice, good choice / good choices so far. Um ... keep on coming / I'm still ... I'm still gamboling through / newspaperes / light-hearted / John L__'s iconic round glasses? / I saw that, uh, feature / Did you? / it's ... it's one of many pairs / gave / housekeeper / that explains it / seems / such a bargain price. / It's about 10 grand, right? / 20 grand. / OK. / John L__'s iconic / from his first wife __ / expected to fetch / auction / that is not much / one / if / just one of many / I think / how many pairs did he have? / he gave these / 1965 when she / dress up as ... someone / G__ / yeah / got a bit of a problem, John / got / John. I do need glasses, too / mind / your bedsheet / your s__ls / G__ / the weekend / just haven't got __ glasses. Can you help me out? / "Why don't you / go as me?" / 眼鏡をあげるから、ボク（ジョン・レノン）に仮装したらどう？ / "No" / me / definitely win / have you got John L__'s glasses? ... That's the feature / let us know if you / it is / I / quite interesting / people / stuff / stuff / to you now directly. Have you got anybody's stuff? / I don't think so. I've got enough of my own stuff. / Yeah, I know / got / own stuff / people / like / know / other / strand of Elvis's hair / up / auction / I / gonna / collect / bag it up / people do weird things like that / What have you got? That's my feature for today / jot / down / what have you got? ... What have you got? / right / Rhod-o-vision / it's brilliant / live writing meeting / easy to forget / What could we do / on this show / doing now / 番組で何をしようか ... って、今本番中だけど / exactly / so / going / what have you got / put / down / forget what it is / "What have you got?" What's that about? / 書いておかないと忘れるから。「君は何を持ってる？」... って、何だっけ？　って。 / I'll tell you / thing / talk / another feature / What have you done wrong all your life? / jotting this down / I normally / jot that down, jot that down / no / first time / show how it's done / magic works. ... 3: What have you done wrong all your life? I say this because there's a story here in the paper about M__ J__. Do you know her? / in the paper / her / she's 100 years old / all on __ wrong day / all her life / live / cakes / out / her birthday / hang on a minute ... / wrong day / find / Let me read on. ... "100 / celebrated / wrong day / for almost a century." Oh. / changed / uh ... "She / believed / April 24th, 1915, but her birth certificate records the day as / April / only / family / arranged / message from the queen / daughter / my mother's birthday / the date __ did it. / the date he did it? / registered it rather than her birthday. ... "__ ... / 本当の誕生日ではなく、誕生日を登録した日付だった / M__ / said / Make up your mind, M__. / Welsh / achievement / just another wrong birthday / just another wrong birthday, absolutely / all my life / wrong all my life/ something / my walking is, uh, / straightforward / accurate / sensible. Um ... / it's gotta do with eggs / How would you / how would you tell if an egg is fresh or not? / Huh. / clock / as much time as you want / I ... I believe there / There are / there are some / is it something to do with, uh, / stamps / Huh, I see, yeah, yeah / Yeah, I see what you mean. You look at the date on the box / take that away / you throw the box away / you don't know what the date is / I think you can put them in water. / Right. / And, if they float / Huh, this is where I went wrong all my life. All my life, I've been eating stale eggs / throwing / fresh ones in the bin / all / only eaten the least fresh, most rotten eggs I can find. / Simply 'cause you / misunderstand / written it down / I suspect that fresh would drop to the bottom and float would mean get rid / you would suspect / if / bottom of the bowl water / fresh / and, if it floats / __ it __ in the bin / Right. / Am I right? / Well, I'm ashamed to say that yes, you are right. / I'm quite annoyed. / So, / I thought ... I thought I was gonna go / ほーら、間違うだろ ... って言いたかったんだが / all my life I have been putting eggs / in a pan of water / float / go anywhere near the bottom I / them out / exclusively rotten eggs / Wow / 46 years, exclusively, rotten eggs. I've never had a fresh egg / even / what / taste like / だから新鮮な玉子の味を知らないんだ。

for 46 years / realized, three days ago / pan of water / I thought / fresh / if / anything else / gonna be dead / yeah / bound to be. / that makes sense / dead / 沈むほうが死んでると思うのは自然だよね / that's what I thought / out / exclusively rotten eggs, all my life. / Do you know what the ... what the process / either float or sink? 'Cause I / if / bad ones, then ... / Yeah / know / very / inside / egg / you know, the ... / I don't know. / the yoke ... / I don't know, but ... I don't know. / tell us, perhaps / float / Why do fresh eggs sink and rotten eggs float? / and also you could tell me / been doing the reverse / shed any light on why / exclusively rotten eggs all my life / please do. ... We've also got Rhod-o-vision Song Contest / going on / coming / got / carpet / sheet of paper / I think / heard from / earlier / Tears for Fears / Everybody Wants To Rule The World / OK. I can tell you right now / that's not gonna win / got / one / also / feature / anyone / contest / from that place, and then pick a track, and then / play it / if / that's how it works. "Rhod, / eggs / the subject / put them in a pan / if they / thought / if they sink / dead / those away / all my life / fresh / eating exclusively rotten eggs / you were, sort of, uh, wondering / why that was / the truth is that / sink / lie flat, they're fresh / yeah / not good. ... And you said ... what __ your theory? / something to do with some air / maybe / egg fart / apology for / grotesque, foul, foul, __ language / I do / a bit nicer, isn't it? / the fact that / last time / know / we have these weird / three / triplet children / I do know / They're all nine / all / the last one caught up / 末っ子が追いついたか / I forgot you've got triplets / I brought that up / f / when we / F word / use / they can use that all they like / go for it / yeah / super-liberal family / go for it, kids / so, yeah, t__ / describe / air / your thought it might be / a little ... a little / air / float up / it's / kind of / little chick in the egg going / つまり、玉子の中にいるヒヨコの素がXXをした結果、カラの中に空気がたまる / very kindly / little p__ / not edible / think / y ... yeah. / I can tell you ... I can tell you the technical answer. / Right. / I suppose / it is, basically, a bird p__ / so, not only, / basically / eating / rotten / egg / the more you start thinking about an egg, the more / should / eat it at all / 玉子って、考えれば考えるほど、食べられなくなるね。/ 子供たちよ、玉子のことを考えてはいけない。 / eating / t__ing ones / Rhod / over time, air gets trapped / and the m__ on the inside / shell / forming / air bubble / not / foaming a air bubble / huh, so, it's not a p__ / larger / Hugh B__, loser." / eating / Wow. / dead ones / exact opposite / fish / hang / see / float / that's / very / very shaky ground ... very shaky ground here. Uh ... / contest / radio / the original / version. Thanks / great entry / unfortunately / once before, and the winner / Common People / play the album version / so / you can't just win every week / same / too common. / reward / regular listner / on this show / did that / Rhod / holding up / it's because / toilet before the news / listened / I didn't know / I thought / left / had enough / news / well / you and me both / think / we all know what __ __ talking about /

look / newspaper / did you know this, __ Norris / we all know / get __ __ stuff / but did you know this? ... Did you / story / gonna believe / you / shock / You're not gonna believe this / do you know what they do / this article / here it goes / do you know those / fishing g__ / other guts are available ... sometimes those signs, sort of, wobble, don't they ? / do you know what I mean? / of course / natural / well / or, do you mean / deliberate / well, ... this is __ shock / look at them / yeah / how do they do that? / I don't know / some kind of wobbler / Ooo. / yeah / first / first / supermarkets are using wobblers / wobbling signs, h__ on the ceiling / from the ceiling / more likely / if they move. / ... Wow. ... So, __ __ using __ animal instinct / beans are half-price / animal instincts / What's that? / skill / savan__ / Africa / things ... things / skills / alert us to the, uh ... / presence of wild animals / liberate all that / have it anyway. / exactly / one for you and one for the bin / buy one, chuck one out for free / this one / I think this ... I love / article / things / generally / mind / all / that one / absolutely right. You __ right / like / how / make them wobble / draft / must be pumping in / d__ / whatever that means / might / near the eggs / near the rotton eggs / if / something / p__ motion / Yeah. / Maybe ... / if / different / length / just ... just slightly / weight of it / fishing / getting / getting / you're getting at / need / more science / do any science / the show / sometimes / for 46 years / in school / you guess on a scientific thing / completely guess / find / how many times you are right about / OK. I reckon / they / and then that somehow / pumping a draft / how / works / coming / is there a draft / fan behind it / along / I know / but I don't know how / let's / somebody must know. Somebody must know / what else do they do ? / less exciting / red / everybody / that's not / supermarkt mind game. / 赤いスティッカーを貼って目立たせるなんて、別にスーパーマーケットの秘密でも何でもない。 / can it? / red sticker / hey, look over here / mind game / Damn, you got me.

what / in front of you / seems / should / couple / cleaning / which is wrong / crazy / hang / first / on that feature / one email about it / I / thought / what / say? / cleaning his ear / wrong / Carmarthen / doing / realized / all your life / kind of thing / me / rotten / wrong / fresh / on that feature / cleaning / somebody / that's it / one / which is actually / totally fine / so / featue / Rhod-o-vision / from / name a band, uh, nominate / choose / winner / we've both decided that today's winner __ / __ __ Is Dead / been / production / 9 minutes long / 2 and a half minutes / before / I said, "So what?" / プロダクションが「でもこの曲は９分あるし、前奏が２分半もあるんですよ」と言ってきたから、「だから何？」と言ってやった / stick / no / bbc / we won't do that / reckon / This Is How It Feels / thanks / very / splendid / very / Eggsy next week /

If you enjoyed that, why not listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / Saturday mornings / 11 till 1.

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